i'm no super-mom

well, the last 12 weeks have been great!  i know i've only been here (on thurstonpost) once during that period, but we've been having a terrific time being our little family.  Hoss returns to work today after a 3-month leave and i am dreading it!  i know, imagine how he's feeling, right?  he just left and, yeah, i almost cried.  

he took the same amount of leave after Mr. Bagubian was born and i'm sure that when he returned to work after that, i felt worse than i do now because i know that, as a first-time Mom, i was incredibly nervous to be left alone with the baby all day!  i'm not so much looking at it that way this time, but there are two of them now and they have different needs and...i'm no super-mom.  sometimes i still feel like i don't know what i'm doing and the funny thing is, Hoss is very sure of himself and has a pretty good handle on being a dad.  isn't that the way moms are supposed to be?  they're supposed to have all the answers, right?  and instinctively know what to do for their children, right?  well, i confess: i kinda don't.  

i'm so awkward sometimes and simple things are not simple for me.  Hoss is the king of the swaddle; he was always the one wrapping up Baby Bagubian and i don't even think i did it once.  i have swaddled Nemy more than a few times, but my swaddles aren't nearly as nice-looking or as tight as when Hoss does them.  Hoss clips their nails, gives them baths, and cleans their ears.  i'm always there when those things are going on, usually holding them (or the camera!) or at the ready with the towel to dry them off and get them dressed, but i don't trust myself to do those things.  i'm sure it's silly and i know i could do them if i had to.  the first few times would absolutely be disastrous but after some practice, we'd all be fine--probably.

i'm sure some of my insecurities are normal and i'm not the first mother to think this parenting stuff is not easy, but i also tend to worry more than the average person and i probably have more self-doubt than that person, too.  i don't even want to think about what it will be like taking both kids out by myself the first time.  awkward?  difficult?  stressful?  all of the above?  yes, probably, but i must remind myself that a.) it will get better the more often we do it; and b.) my sister does it with three children--in the snow.  and she didn't have her husband at home with her for 12 weeks like i did.  

most women don't.  and single moms--they have to do everything, all the time.  i'm definitely NOT asking for anyone's sympathy, especially since it is not lost on me how fortunate i am as a new mom to have had my husband at home with us for all this time.  even though i am anxious about how today and tomorrow and the next day are going to go without Hoss around, i know i am incredibly lucky that he was here.

in addition to my nerves, i am also feeling sad because we were able to do so many things together--large and small--and that is ending.  i'll miss having that every day.  however, instead of being all Debbie Downer that it's over, i'll go the optimistic route and have happy memories of our little adventures instead!

a lot of older siblings have a tough time when the new little bundle of joy arrives on the scene because they go from being the center of attention to sharing the spotlight.  we have been fortunate that Gooby has adjusted pretty well to Nemy's arrival, no doubt thanks in part to Hoss's presence these last three months.  they got to spend a lot of time together and i know it was great for both of them.

       
from learning how to ride a new bike, to going on train rides, to sharing a bed on our trips (much more fun for Mr. B than for Daddy!)...

...to visiting the space shuttle Endeavor at the Science Center...

...and falling asleep with a beloved new toy on the way home...

...to testing out "monster bikes" at the toy store...

...to our "last hurrah" picnic in San Diego last Thursday...a good time was certainly had by all.  

we love you, Daddy!  we'll miss having you here with us all day...so hurry up and get home from work!

and dear readers...thank you for letting me unload a few of my feelings on you today.  i definitely appreciate having this space for sharing the good and the bad.